#TransparencyTales: 18 Pounds Heavier

January 20th, 2015

About eight days into my fitness journey, I felt more confident and comfortable with my body.  A body that I actually began to love and enjoy being in. My stomach, waist, and arms were all shrinking. In 6 weeks, the glass scale flashed 186 pounds and I couldn't stop grinning. I had lost 6 inches and 6 pounds. I was a size 10 but could easily fit into a size 8. 

March 30th, 2015

The tall "chubby", "fat", or my personal favorite "big-bitch" had finally felt secure. I had a healthy desire to work out at least 5 days a week and eat my meal prep. I ate chicken, brown rice, and green beans for lunch and dinner. I'd switch up and add salads with olive oil. Everything was in check. My sweaty clothes were a badge of honor and my roommates even noticed my spirits were lifted. 

April 3rd, 2015

I even remember stepping into the H&M dressing room and comfortably pulling on a black jumpsuit where the tag read size '8'. I walked out of the dressing room and asked the friendly sales associate what he thought, "Um...excuse me, do you think that this the right size for me?" He looked up at me as was hanging clothes correctly back on their hangers, "You honestly look amazing. Wow." He smiled and walked closer towards me as we both began to gush over the deep neckline and long sleeves. I bought it without hesitation. I'll probably always remember that day.

 But 

I

 still wasn't good enough. I wanted to lose more weight and would get anxiety about gaining it all back. I continued working out but my diet began to slack. I turned 21 and started making every excuse to go "socialize" and "be an adult." I thought I could balance this. I knew my anxiety heightened when I had to loosen up before going out for drinks. My new clothes didn't fit anymore.

August 1st, 2015

During late April, I fell in love with someone way too quickly and long story short, it ended terribly. My mind got so distorted that the weight started packing on. School wasn't a priority, home life got progressively worst, and even my family back in Los Angeles was in shambles. I don't have many pictures to showcase this but trust me. I felt horrible. 

Once summer rolled around, I moved back home and was faced with my mom's Alzheimers. I barely got any sleep because she had sun-downing syndrome. It's a behavioral condition that begin at dusk and last into the

late

night (read more

here

). Anyone who has family members with this disease knows that this is just the tip of the iceberg. This disease was truly tearing our family apart and I sinked into my depression. I cried every single day of my winter vacation. The only form of comfort was binge eating on grease, fattening, and fried poison wrapped in styrofoam that came with a cheap spork.  

February 20th, 2015- January 20th, 2016

The picture on the right was taken exactly eight days into my "new" fitness journey. It's been almost 6 weeks and I've only lost 4 pounds and 0 inches.  You can't even tell and I still feel "fat." I remember the words of a close family member who would taunt me relentlessly about how big I was. "You're so fat that no one is ever going to love you." Those words are tattooed on my brain and have infected my self-perception, confidence, and self-esteem.

February 22nd, 2016

On my birthday, my university started #BodyPositiveWeek. The Student Counseling Center and Nutrition Services have set up a booth with activities that range from mindful eating to bursting myths about obesity, everyday 10am-4pm. If this isn't God telling me it's time to finally take care of my physical and mental health then I don't know what is.

I can't believe that I am really writing this when I'm not even close to my goal weight. I can't believe I've shared some painful pictures and memories about my body. Maybe I really am confident after all.

xoxo, 

Debby

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February 25th, 2016

Update

: I worked out this morning and I had eggs and advocado for breakfast. I'm still in shock that I posted this. This is the most vulnerable and confident I have

ever

felt. I'm proud of myself. 

P.S. I'd love to hear from you. Please, feel free to e-mail me at debbyfashionvloggerpr@gmail.com